


i wanna know (what is love?)

by onidayo



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Cheesy, Cliche, Hijinks & Shenanigans, M/M, Teen Angst, Teen Romance, Trans Character, chan is an idiot, felix is full of ideas and resources, romcom, will they won't they
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-13
Updated: 2019-05-13
Packaged: 2020-03-02 20:52:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18818785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onidayo/pseuds/onidayo
Summary: bang chan never thought he'd fall in love so hard and so fast, and yet everytime he sees kim woojin, it all seems so obvious.so yes, bang chan is in love.but what bang chan doesn't know is;this is not his story.





	i wanna know (what is love?)

**Author's Note:**

> this was written as a birthday comission for my lovely friend noelia, who allowed me to then post it here ! hope u enjoy !
> 
> it was also kind of self-indulgent bc i LOVE romcoms, so be warned for extra cheesiness.

 

 

Bang Chan is in love.

 

That’s as true as the sky is blue, on most days, except Chan would definitely attempt to fistfight any clouds that got in his way no matter how many times he’s been told that it’s physically impossible. 

 

Sure, he doesn't think he's ever been there before, but there's no doubting it now, not the fluttering in his chest nor the tightness in his throat. It's brand new, this feeling, a new kind of warmth he hadn't even been aware of before. Yet it feels like he's known it all his life, and now he knows that love has a name: Kim Woojin. Chan feels it everytime he sees Woojin's smile, everytime he hears Woojin's voice, everytime Woojin is on his mind, which is all the time, really.

 

So it’s true, Bang Chan is in love. And he doesn’t care who knows it, no, really, except if Woojin ever finds out, and inevitably rejects him, then he’s going to burrow underground and never, ever come back up.

 

It’s the fifth time in two weeks that Felix has heard it, and quite frankly, if no one does anything about it, he’s going to have to put Chan underground himself. 

 

“There’s no way. Absolutely no way.” Chan repeats, slumping against Felix’s shoulder. “People have probably warned him against me, right, he probably thinks I’m just a hooligan.”

 

Felix says nothing, tries to concentrate on his calculus notes even though he’s pretty sure they’re not written in any human language. 

 

“Literally no one thinks that except you.” Minho fires from where he’s sitting, barely lifting his eyes from his homework. 

 

Well, maybe he’s not exactly right. Felix can think of a few teachers and city council officials who do, reports of Chan’s exploits spread among adults who seem hellbent on never trying to understand. But he reasons that Chan’s moral compass probably wouldn’t turn Woojin away, when his misguided enthusiasm and tendency to speak before he thinks - or to forget to think at all - would do the trick just fine. Perhaps it’s for the best that Chan is way too chicken to ever talk to Woojin of his own accord, because Felix can think of approximately fourteen ways it could go awry, and he’s got better things to do than picking up whatever remains of his friend after.

 

Like passing calculus, for example.

 

Oh god, Felix is definitely going to fail calculus.

 

And it will all be because Chan is still up in his ear, blabbering about a hundred and one reasons why really, Woojin is too good for him, and maybe it’s his destiny to spend his life helping lonely old people at the community center to forget his own crippling loneliness.

 

Across the table, Minho closes his textbook as loudly as he possibly can, and Felix thinks he sees a vein twitching in his forehead. “I’m going to go find Jisung. You know, my boyfriend, who is only my boyfriend because we talked to each other like functional human beings,” he announces, giving Felix a sympathetic nod. “Good luck with… this.” 

 

“Please.” Felix reaches to grab the hem of Minho’s sweater. “Please don’t leave me alone with him, I’m not strong enough.”

 

Minho takes a step back and Felix loses his grip. “Your service is appreciated.”

 

Sure it is, Felix thinks. He just wishes there was more he could do, and especially wishes there was anything he could do to make it stop.

 

Felix straightens up in his chair, nearly sends Chan flying. The older boy drops his head against his arms where they’re crossed atop the table, whines that Felix is tired of him.

 

“I’m not.” Felix lies. At least, he hopes he won’t have to be very soon. “Come on, let’s go get some fresh air before next period.” 

 

He has to physically pull Chan upwards and get him walking out of the study hall, but the two of them eventually make it out, walking past the teacher’s lounge and to the courtyard, Felix squinting as the cold light of early spring hits his eyes. 

 

“Oh no.” 

 

As much as he wishes it were a trick of the mind, Felix has to resign himself, when he rubs his eyes and looks again, that none other than Kim Woojin himself is walking in their direction, paying no attention at all to them as he continues an animated discussion with the boys surrounding him. Next to him, Felix thinks he can physically feel Chan going red in the ears, until he actually does feel Chan physically hiding between him and the building.

 

It’s only after Chan has seemingly found a way to fuse with the wall that Felix notices one of Woojin’s friends, dark hair falling in front of his face as he clasps a hand on Woojin’s shoulder to get his attention. As the two of them talk, Felix recognizes him, Changbin from the dreaded calculus class, though he’s more used to seeing the back of the boy’s head than anything else, in the second row, getting praised nearly every time. 

 

Woojin and his friends walk past, seemingly without noticing Chan becoming one with the concrete, without noticing the way Felix is staring. Maybe that’s because he doesn’t realize it himself, not until Chan croaks “Is he gone?” in his ear and Felix snaps out of his daze and feels like he’s unlocked another 5% of his brain capacity.

 

“Yeah.” Felix pulls the straps of his backpacks. “And I have calculus, so, bye!”

 

He can hear Chan whining, that he can’t go back into the hallway alone at the risk of running into Woojin, that he’s going to just stay here until the coast is clear, or maybe forever, but Felix leaves him there anyway. When he reaches the door to his classroom, he plants both feet on the ground and takes a breath before marching right over to the second row.

 

“Hey.” he tries to keep his voice low and an eye on the door in case their teacher walks in. “Sup?”

 

Changbin looks up at Felix through his bangs, a puzzled expression in his eyes. “What is it.”

 

Alright, Felix. Now or never. You have to do this, for your friend, for your honor, and most importantly, for your own sanity. 

 

“You… you get top grades, right?” It’s a rhetorical  question. Felix has seen Changbin’s grades, and he fears and respects him based on them alone. “Because, I mean, I really don’t, and I wanted to ask-”

 

“I don’t do tutoring.” Changbin says, his tone flat.

 

Ouch. Felix certainly didn’t expect to be rebuffed this quickly, but he knows he can’t give up. 

 

“Please.” At this point, he’s not above begging. “I’m going to fail if I don’t get help, and I really don’t want to fail, I can’t take this class again or I’m pretty sure I’ll literally die.”

 

Changbin snickers to himself, puts his pencil down. “Sure you will.” Then, when Felix makes it clear he’s not going to move from this spot, Changbin sighs. “Alright. One session. But if you turn out to be a lost cause, don’t count on me.”

 

One session is all I’ll need, Felix thinks. Anyone would be convinced by his masterplan.

  
  


___

  
  


At first, things don't exactly go as planned.

 

Changbin slams a textbook on the table as soon as Felix sits down, and then he pulls out his own chair with a creaking sound against the floor.

 

"Okay, I don't have all day so you better buckle up." 

 

With the way he says it, Felix knows that it isn't a suggestion so much as it is an order. Swiftly, Changbin spreads his notes across the table, and when Felix looks over them he realizes they're from their freshman year, all the way when he unconsciously - or probably, pretty consciously, all things considered - gave up on everything about calculus. There's a certain offense to be taken here, he's sure, but truly the situation is desperate enough to just accept it. 

 

He thumbs through the pages, pretending to understand and care about the numbers scrawled across them.

 

"Right." he says, his mouth already dry. "Right, right, right."

 

Changbin drapes an arm across the back of his chair. "You don't understand anything, do you."

 

"Not a single word." Felix admits, hoping it'll get those pesky equations out of the way quicker. "Hey, do we  _ have _ to get right into it?"

 

He grits his teeth as he waits for Changbin to reply, his usual snappiness quieted down for a moment. Then Changbin leans forward, eyes piercing through the thin wall of Felix's nerves.

 

"I don't have all day." he repeats. "And I told you already, if you're just too bad at this, there's nothing else for me to do."

 

Felix sighs. He didn't think he could ever keep up the facade for long, but that's a record time, even for him. Well, might as well get right down to the meat of it then. "I have to admit, I have an ulterior motive."

 

Why he's speaking like a drama villain he has no idea, but the tone seems to spark Changbin's interest.

 

"Speak." Changbin says, his patience wearing visibly thin.

 

Alright. One foot after the other.

 

"You know my friend, Chan?" Felix keeps his voice low, eyes darting to either side of the room. "He's in the grade above us-"

 

Changbin smirks. "The one who always finds a way to embarrass himself?"

 

Ouch. Touché, Felix thinks, but he can't let Changbin's superficial - yet somewhat very accurate - assessment stop him now.

 

"Yes. That one." Stay on track. "He's having a bit of a crisis these days." Felix knows that’s a huge understatement, but he tries not to let it show. "Long story short, he's in love with your friend Woojin."

 

With that, Changbin's eyes go wide for a second and then he snorts, leans back in his chair. "Well then."

 

That's not the reaction Felix was expecting, but it sure is a little more positive than what he'd feared. Maybe he's confusing neutral for positive, because the way Changbin is still smirking probably isn't a great sign, but Felix decides he'd rather hold on to anything he can than give up now. 

 

"Yes. And well, it's getting kind of..." Very very annoying, but Felix can't say that, because it would basically turn Changbin off the case before it even begins. "Overwhelming."

 

With every word he says, Felix feels like he's losing Changbin's attention a little bit more. This is going to be a lot harder than he anticipated, but he's still determined to not go it alone.

 

Felix clears his throat, hoping to get Changbin back on track. "It's just a lot to deal with, and I've been trying to think of ways to maybe work through it, or around it-"

 

"And what does any of it have to do with calculus?" Changbin cuts right through Felix's bullshit.

 

Felix tugs at his collar. "It doesn't."

 

“Why don’t you get to your actual point, then?” Changbin sounds exasperated, his tone similar to whenever Minho decides he’s had enough of Chan’s antics.

 

Felix tents his fingers in front of himself, setting his shoulders in hopes to look about half as serious as he’s attempting to sound. “We need to get Chan and Woojin together.”

 

Changbin raises a slitted eyebrow - someone should probably tell him it’s not 1996 anymore - absolute disbelief washing over his face. 

 

“Seriously.” Felix refuses to be deterred by Changbin’s increasingly jaded expression. “You can’t tell me you don’t want to see it. Chan’s a good guy, I promise.”

 

“And what about Woojin in all this?” Changbin asks, as serious as Felix has ever seen him.

 

That’s one parameter Felix can’t believe he forgot to take into account. Maybe he was too caught up in listening to Chan wax poetic about every single aspect of Woojin that he hasn’t stopped to consider whether Woojin would ever feel the same, or even feel anything at all. Still there’s a part of him that wants to believe Woojin would be at least open to the idea, although it’s put to the test when Changbin leans back in his chair and taps his fingertips impatiently on the tabletop.

 

“This is a terrible idea.” Changbin says, his tone nothing short of barely polite disgust.

 

Felix feels himself frowning, and tries to cool down his expression when Changbin returns it. He’s not above begging right now, not when his phone is buzzing in his pocket and he just knows they’re messages from Chan, because he’s in his math class with Woojin right now and couldn’t care less about multiple equations. Surely there’s something Felix can do to convince Changbin that no, actually, this is a great idea, perhaps the best anyone has ever had, and that the world will probably achieve a semblance of peace, and especially quiet, if they succeed.

 

“You can’t say that when we haven’t tried anything yet!” Felix tries his best to sound convincing. “Who knows, maybe this is meant to be, maybe we’re just instruments of a cause greater than ourselves!” 

 

Great, now he sounds like a youth pastor. Across from him, Changbin is already packing up his notebook, visibly concentrating on anything but listening to what Felix has to say.

 

Changbin slings his bag over his shoulder as he stands up, shoots Felix a look that might as well be him saying ‘you absolute moron.’ “It’s none of our business. Certainly not mine.” He pushes his chair back under the table and the rattling sounds a lot like the end of the conversation. “But if you want to make a fool out of yourself by trying to play Cupid, by all means, be my guest.”

 

Then he’s gone, and Felix sits there watching him leave. He’d stay there and lament on it if his phone would just stop buzzing, oh my  _ fucking God _ , Chan, but the messages just keep coming and Felix groans as he pulls the device out of his pocket.

 

[bangaroo (14:52)]

 

o my god, lix.

 

[bangaroo (14:52)]

 

lix he’s so smart i think im going to cry.

 

[bangaroo (14:52)]

 

suddenly im failing and need a tutor.

 

[bangaroo (14:52)]

 

fuck he just solved the one problem that we were stuck on and now hes smiling so wide and i think im seeing god???

 

[bangaroo (14:53)]

 

hhhhhhhhh lix he handed out the homework sheets and our hands brushed against each other

 

[bangaroo (14:53)]

 

please call an ambulance im not going to make it

 

[you (14:53)] 

 

then perish.

  
  


Felix drops his phone to the bottom of his bag, though he still hopes to see Chan alive and well later to walk home. 

 

___

  
  


"What about you, man?" Hyunjin playfully punches Woojin's shoulder, a glint in his eye not unlike a game show host about to push a contestant into a glass case full of bees. "Got your eye on anyone?"

 

Woojin shrugs him off and looks out into the library, deliberately stretching the moment. It works, as Hyunjin and Seungmin are both nearly lying on the table in wait, and Changbin rests his chin in his hands, ready to witness the certain chaos. It's not so much that he has a vested interest in Woojin's romantic life, certainly not as much as a certain Felix Lee, but there's few things Changbin enjoys more than watching the jolly nonsense his friends get up to on a day to day basis.

 

It's only when Hyunjin is nearly biting into the table that Woojin taps a finger to his chin and speaks. "Well... Bang Chan is pretty cute, isn't he?"

 

Seungmin squeaks, Hyunjin mimics flipping the table over, and Changbin feels his eyes growing the size of flying saucers, because surely, he must have landed in the twilight zone for things to be turning out this way. He must have misheard. Changbin takes a quick look at Hyunjin's unreasonably pleased expression and reflexively turns around to check for any hidden cameras or mics, any proof that this is some kind of joke. He doesn't find any, and doesn't see Felix anywhere either.

 

Resigning himself to the truth, Changbin reaches across the table to poke at Woojin's arm amid the kerfuffle. "Bang Chan. The same Bang Chan that tried to stage a sit-in and ended up alone on his ass in the cafeteria for two hours. Bang Chan who's blacklisted from assembly. That Bang Chan."

 

"I like that he has ideals, and that he sticks to them." Woojin muses. "And, you don't have phys ed with him. Dude is built."

 

Changbin lets his head fall against the wood, barely phased by how his own brain seems to be rattling around in his skull. "Of course he is. Dumb muscle."

 

"You could say that. He's got a heart of gold for sure but," Woojin blows on his fingernails. "He is so oblivious."

 

"You know he's literally in love with you, right." 

 

Changbin isn't sure why he spits it out that way, why he suddenly  _ cares _ , but something is churning in his gut to get to the bottom of this story.

 

Woojin sighs, dejected. "Yeah." Well, that's definitely not the answer Changbin expected. Woojin folds his arms across his chest, looking down. "He's very, very bad at hiding it. And he's probably even worse at dealing with it."

 

I’d say, Changbin thinks, recalling what Felix had told him. 

 

Woojin clears his throat. "I don't hold any hope that he's ever going to get it together and ask me out so," he breathes in and sets his shoulders tight, almost too much. "Better to move on, right?"

 

Changbin nods. Absolutely. After all, if Chan thinks that the entire thing is doomed from the start, if he’s every bit as hopeless as Felix claims he is, what good does it do to stay stuck on this? Waiting and pining hasn't ever done anyone any good, and it's not like this particular story is bound to go anywhere, anyway. Woojin said it himself, and it seems he's right. He would know. Really, it's none of Changbin's business to begin with, and yet he can't help but catch the tinge of longing in Woojin's eyes, the way he pulls the sleeve of his cardigan over his hands, a nervous tic he thinks no one knows or notices. 

 

It feels to Changbin like someone’s just pulled a lever in his head and put some unused gears in motion, and he’s not sure he likes what they’re producing. The more he looks at Woojin, the more his friend’s words echo in his mind, and then there’s Felix’s too, a terrible, sugary sweet molotov cocktail threatening to explode against the side of his skull.

 

“I have to go.” Changbin knocks his knee against the table as he stands up and he makes short work of waving goodbye to Seungmin and Hyunjin. It’s only when he rounds the table that he squeezes Woojin’s shoulder, fast enough to hope the older boy doesn’t think anything of it. 

 

There’s no point underestimating Woojin’s perception though, and Changbin can feel his friend’s eyes following him all the way to the door. If he still feels the burn when he nearly kicks down the door to his homeroom, it’s no one’s business but his own.

 

He finds Felix quickly, half-asleep on what looks like the previous day’s equations sheet. Changbin has no qualms kicking the leg of the table to shake Felix awake, not when, really, it’s probably his fault that Changbin is feeling like making what will probably be a very big, terrible, incredibly consequential decision.

 

Yet, he can’t bring himself to call it a mistake. 

 

“You still need those tutoring sessions?” he nearly barks at Felix, feels his ears going red when he realizes that other students are staring at him.

 

Felix smirks as he wipes a double division off his cheek. “Always.”

 

Goodness gracious. Changbin pinches the bridge of his nose, tries to summon something, anything in himself that might let him leave things the way they are, that might keep him out of trouble. Tragically, his mouth runs faster than his brain.

 

“I’m in.”

  
  
  


___   
  
  


 

Felix Lee is having an existential crisis.

 

He's pretty sure he's too young for whatever this is, that he's too young to have this many things on his mind, and yet he's sitting here, at the dining table in Changbin's house, rethinking every single decision he's ever made in his life.

 

Equations dance around in his brain as he stares at the sheet in front of him, desperately hoping that maybe if he doesn't blink he'll understand at least something. This was  _ not _ supposed to happen. They weren't actually supposed to do calculus today, there was a greater matter at hand, and right now Felix couldn't care less about stacked multiplications. Yet, as soon as he'd walked through the door, Changbin had all but strapped him to a chair and laid worksheets in front of him. Then his mother had called him to the other side of the house and he disappeared, leaving Felix to his despair.

 

Technically, there's nothing stopping Felix from just getting up and leaving. Changbin will be at school tomorrow, they can conspire then, and there will be no calculus to worry about. Also,  _ technically _ , Felix could be working on those damn equations, because he really is going to fail calculus, but he feels like his brain is melting and his vision is blurry, and god damnit, what's taking Changbin so long?

 

Snooping around in other people's houses isn't usually something he would do. He doesn't even wander around his own house that much, probably the reason why his parents let him believe in Santa until he was thirteen years old, or why he still gets lost in his own garage sometimes looking for old things that were never supposed to have been thrown away. But these equations are definitely going to drive him crazy, and it's too suspiciously quiet now, only some muted conversation barely reaching the room from somewhere that seems almost too distant. So, Felix pushes himself to his feet, shuffles across the room and out of it, through the living room, and down a long corridor lined with family pictures. He feels like even eight-year-old Changbin is judging him, but Felix walks to the end, to the door from behind which he can definitely hear conversation, the vivacious and welcoming tone of a woman's voice wishing someone well before they leave.

 

Maybe he should have checked that the door was locked before leaning on it to try and eavesdrop, because as soon as he does, Felix feels it give way and he nearly falls flat on his face as it opens forward.

 

“What the-”

 

“Language, Changbin.”

 

When Felix looks up from where he's holding onto the door frame for dear life, he finds Changbin, wearing a dirt-stained apron and large gardening gloves, and next to him is a woman dressed in the same attire, who, from the sharpness of her eyes, Felix can only assume to be Changbin's mother. Felix picks himself up and dusts the front of his jeans, just to buy himself time, hoping that maybe they'll both forget that he's here and he can just run for it back to where he came from, out of the house, and never speak of this incident again.

 

That is, of course, completely discounting the way Changbin puts a hand on his hip and stares down at him. “I'm going to assume you didn't solve any of the problems I gave you.”

 

If there's a way out of this, even by divine intervention, Felix needs it now. Surprisingly, divine intervention comes in the form of Changbin's mother, who pulls off her gloves and holds a hand out to Felix.

 

“I'm sorry I borrowed him for so long, we had a client pick up a big order for a wedding,” she says, shaking Felix's hand and pulling him the rest of the way up. “He's all yours now!”

 

Her words make Felix realize where they are exactly. When he looks around, all he sees are flowers, greenery, bouquets and arrangements, overflowing from floor to ceiling, reds and pinks and greens and yellows, opulent leaves that spill onto each other. Across from where he's standing, there's a door that leads out onto another street than the one he and Changbin had come from to get to the house, the other side of the building.

 

The other side of Changbin's life.

 

“That's-- uh. A lovely business you've got there.” Felix hears himself say, and he wants to hide behind the giant fern leaves on his right. “And don't worry about it, it's nice that he's helping you.”

 

Changbin shoots him a positively murderous look, though Felix isn't quite sure if it's because he's trying to make small talk with his mother, or because he implied Changbin to be  _ nice _ . He takes off his gloves and his apron, folding it neatly on the cutting table, and then he grabs Felix by the arm with surely a little more force than is necessary.

 

“We're going back to calculus.” Changbin growls. “Sorry for this, mom. He just can't seem to mind his own business.”

 

At that, Changbin's mother tilts her head and looks at her son with pleading eyes. “Come on, Binnie, it's not a problem. I'm sure he just needed some help with the problems, right?”

 

_ Binnie _ . Felix knows he'll be setting himself up for a certain death if he even hints at having anything to say about the nickname, so he simply nods and tries to give Changbin's mother his best smile despite the iron grip on his arm.

 

It's only when they're back in the dining room that Changbin lets go of him, and Felix tumbles back in his chair.

 

“Your mom's cool,” he says, tries to contend with how Changbin is still standing and looking like he wants nothing more than to make Felix eat the worksheets. “Sorry for sneaking around.”

 

Changbin sighs heavily, drags a hand over his face. “Just. Don't... mention this to anyone.”

 

Uh.

 

Felix cocks his head in confusion. “Why? It's not a big deal, you're just helping your parents-”

 

“Just don't, ok?” Changbin cuts him off, and his tone gets the message across loud and clear.

 

Felix turns the worksheet over to give himself something to do. “Okay.” There's a limit to how pushy even he will get, so he leaves it alone, tries to recenter the conversation on the real topic of the afternoon. “So... Chan and Woojin?”

 

His eyes follow Changbin as the other boy pulls out a chair and sits across from Felix, grabbing one of the worksheets and idly holding a pencil over it.

 

“That's why you agreed to do these lessons again, right?” Felix hopes, at least. He can't imagine anyone, much less Changbin, agreeing to take care of his absolutely hopeless case regarding calculus without an ulterior motive.

 

Changbin doesn't put his pen down, and instead starts idly solving a few equations as he speaks. “Something changed. Like, a big thing.” He tilts his head and scribbles a few numbers down. “I didn't want to get involved because I didn't think there was any way this was... going anywhere. But it just turns out that Woojin feels the same damn way about Chan.”

 

In a nonchalant motion, Changbin drops his pencil on the table, a pained expression on his face. Felix feels a rush of adrenaline going up his throat like he just won the year-end lotto.

 

“Wait. Seriously?” He can barely contain his excitement.

 

“Yes. Seriously.” Changbin leans back in his chair. “Figures, yeah?”

 

Felix feels like he's about to vibrate from the sheer joy he's feeling, and he grips the edge of the table to keep himself from shooting up into space. “This is great. That's great, oh my god  _ yes _ !” then he looks at Changbin, who seems to be waiting for Felix to comeback down to earth. “Wait, you're not excited, why are you not excited.”

 

“Because,” Changbin says, looking more and more like his soul is leaving his body. “Woojin is about ready to give up.”

 

No. No, no, no. Not happening, absolutely not.

 

‘What the  _ fuck _ ?” He doesn't mean to let it out like that, but Felix feels panic creeping up along the back of his neck.

 

This is the worst possible turn of events, Felix thinks. It's like the story is ending before it even has a chance to begin, and there's no way he's letting that happen, even though he still can't exactly figure out why he's so invested in the first place.

 

“Well let's see.” Changbin holds up a finger. “Because your dear friend Bang Chan is a bumbling, desperate idiot who would rather claim to himself that Woojin will never love him than to actually try to make it happen,” he holds up a second finger, “because he's too busy commiserating about supposedly not being good enough to actually try and see that Woojin doesn't agree,” and a third. “and because Woojin's heart is too good to put himself through caring about a guy who loves to act on everything except his feelings.”

 

“So what do we do?” Felix feels like he’s going to start dry heaving at any moment, and the way Changbin picks at his nails for an agonizing three seconds isn’t helping.

 

Finally, Changbin flicks a speck of dirt, and he points an accusatory finger at Felix. “We’re going to call an emergency meeting. This is a tragedy waiting to happen, and we’re not letting it.”

 

So that’s how the decision is made. Felix even finds himself almost thanking Chan for being so blindingly stupid, because otherwise Changbin probably never would have agreed to it. But now, they have all the cards in hand, and the odds in their favors. 

 

All that’s left is making the right plays.

 

___

  
  


Somehow, Felix feels like this isn’t the same tragedy Changbin was talking about.

 

And yet he’s sitting at a table in the school library, humongous calculus textbooks open on either side of him, Chan attempting - and failing hard - to make paper cranes next to him while he tries his hardest to not meet Woojin’s eyes even for a secon.

 

At the tail end of their disastrous afternoon, Changbin had decided, not without any reason, that Felix was simply so bad at calculus that he needed all the help he could get. The fact that this additional help would come in the form of Woojin, brows increasingly furrowing as he goes over Felix’s homework, and Chan, sweat visibly dripping down his neck, was decided by Felix and Changbin out of a mutual understanding that some things simply needed to happen.

 

Getting Chan to stay at the table when he saw Woojin walk towards it had been hard enough already, Felix ready to swiftly chop him in the neck if need be. He didn’t need the additional stress of an honors upperclassman reading all of his mistakes out loud back to him, and Felix tries his damnedest to not take notice of Changbin snickering next to him. 

 

“You’re…” Woojin starts, tilting his head like he’s trying to think of the least offensive way to word his thoughts. “Well. We have to review everything from the beginning, but at least you’re. Uh. You come up with creative ways to try and solve things.”

 

Changbin coughs. “Sure does.”

 

On Felix’s other side, Chan makes a gurgling noise in the back of his throat and then immediately moves to punch himself in the face. Felix catches his arm and holds it under the table. 

 

“Please. Teach me your ways.” Felix deadpans as he picks up his pen, and wishes he had a third hand to jab Changbin in the side when the latter leans back in his chair and smirks.

  
  


Woojin takes the job very seriously.

 

All in all, Felix isn't sure how Woojin manages to actually stay focused on the task at hand, with Chan essentially dissolving right across from him, and Changbin only pretending to help so he can make fun of the entire situation. In the middle of trying to explain stat curves, Woojin asks Chan for his ruler and Chan nearly eats the damn thing rather than handing it over; Felix isn't sure if he wants to disappear under the table or put Chan through it. He's sure he's seen enough WWE in his childhood to execute a passable powerbomb, and really it would probably at least be entertaining, instead of the horrid embarrassment he feels everytime Woojin does his best to smile at a slowly disintegrating Chan.

 

He buries the urge somewhere in the back of his brain, because even if it's all just a part of the plan, Woojin is making such a valiant effort to go where no math teacher has ever gone before that Felix feels like he at least owes him his attention.

 

"Do you understand better now?" Woojin loosely circles the graph, and Felix doesn't have the heart to tell him no.

 

"Sure. Yes!" He swallows hard around the lie. "Can we uh, can we go over it one more time, though. To make sure?"

 

There is nothing, nothing in the entire world, that could have made Felix ask that question before. But he's determined to at least get Chan to say a word, just one, any word at all to Woojin before they all have to go home. And if he has to put himself through the Stats Rollercoaster of Death to achieve that, then he hopes it's a worthy sacrifice.

 

Diligent as ever, Woojin flips the page over and clears his throat before he begins going over the lesson again. 

 

"So, Chan." Changbin calls, leaning over the table. "How are you in calculus?"

 

Oh god. Oh no. Felix tightens his grip on his pencil.

 

Chan's eyes go wide and he's got a bead of sweat rolling down his temple, but surprisingly, he pulls through. "Uh. Average. I try, I guess," he stutters.

 

"Please, give yourself some credit!" Woojin smiles brightly. A sideway glance tells Felix that Chan is right on the edge of snapping out of existence. "You were one of the only people who got the bonus question right on the last test." 

 

If Felix had the courage, he'd probably tell Changbin to wipe the smirk off his face right about now. But all he can do is watch as Chan progressively grows redder and redder, until the entire bridge of his nose looks like it's been caked in carmine clown makeup. 

 

That must be when his brain short-circuits and he gets one final surge of power before extinction, because Chan gulps, audibly, and then he grips the edge of the table with both hands before he speaks. "Th-thank you." 

 

It's the last any of them hear from him for the rest of the afternoon.

  
  


___

  
  


The mall was Felix’s idea.

 

Of course it was.

 

There would be no other reason in the world why Changbin would be here on a Thursday afternoon, his school bag still weighing on his shoulder. It doesn’t weight nearly as much as the embarrassment he feels trudging through the alleys with Woojin in tow, trying his hardest to pretend that he  _ really wants to be here _ as he desperately looks for anysign of the bubble tea stand Felix had told him to go to.

 

So much about this feels like retribution from Felix for calculusgate, a way to show Changbin true discomfort as Felix had probably felt sandwiched between his bumbling imbecile of a best friend and his own shortcomings. Well, at least Woojin isn’t a bumbling imbecile, Changbin’s got that going for him right now, if nothing else.

 

Really, why he’s doing this is still something of a mystery to Changbin, an inexplicable urge commanding his every action and shutting down the logical parts of his brain every time he thinks about the situation. So, in what he knows is a futile attempt to not fry his own brain cells, Changbin decides against his better judgement and goes with Felix’s plan this time. To be fair, he’d told Changbin that following the tutoring session, Chan had spent a grand total of thirty-four minutes (recorded for history by the timer app on Felix’s phone) expanding on every little detail of Woojin’s supposed perfection, from his understanding of calculus to the way his front teeth peek out when he smiles.

 

‘And then he opened his backpack, put his entire head inside, and screamed,’ Felix’s last text had read. When he stopped responding, Changbin assumed it was because he was trying to either strangle Chan or to simply put him to sleep after his emotional high of the day.

 

Evidently, it was the latter, because Chan looks very much alive when Changbin spots him and Felix in front of the shop, even though he turns a very odd shade of crimson when he sees Woojin.

 

“Hey!” Felix waves, a self-satisfied grin on his face. It highlights his freckles, and Changbin isn’t even sure why he’s noticing that right now of all times, but he definitely looks a lot happier here than in the middle of a crisis about functions. “Glad you could make it.”

 

Woojin holds a hand up to greet Chan, who throws up a gang sign and deflates onto a nearby chair. “Feels only fair, after what we put you through,” he says, flashing Felix a sympathetic smile. 

 

The clerk that takes their order seems mildly concerned about how much Chan is sweating even though the mall has air conditioning, but Felix awkwardly reassures them that it’s fine. Changbin thinks there’s probably a review to be done on the definition of ‘fine’, but Chan seems to at least be responsive, so he takes it as a victory.

 

He even tries to pay, fumbling with his wallet for a solid, excruciating thirty seconds before Woojin gently stops him with one hand. 

 

“My treat?” Woojin says, eyes full of concern.

 

Chan vigorously shakes his head. “N-no it’s o-okay, I got it- I got it, I got it.”

 

He does not, in fact, got it. It takes thirty more seconds for Chan to pull one bill out from said wallet, and Woojin eventually convinces him to go half and half. A moment of mercy, Changbin thinks, and when the drinks are finally paid for, it’s also a moment of relief for everyone involved. Changbin catches Felix bowing profusely to the clerk in apology before he stabs the straw through the lid of his cup in what must be frustration, which honestly, Changbin is beginning to understand. 

 

“I feel like this should not have been such an ordeal.”

 

Woojin giggles, and even though Changbin fails to understand how any of this is funny, he leaves it be.

 

"How's it going with math, Felix?" Woojin asks, stirring the boba around with his straw.

 

That's not a question he wants to ask, Changbin thinks, but he also can't know that the tutoring sessions pretty much stopped the moment Felix left the library last time.

 

"Oh, uh." Felix takes a loud sip of his drink. "Good! I have faith."

 

Bull. Changbin knows for a fact Felix hasn't even opened his textbook since that day. He doesn't point it out, because there's already enough awkwardness radiating from Chan that no one needs to add another layer on top.

 

Woojin seems satisfied with the answer anyway, and he branches out to trying to speak to Chan, who's absorbing his tea at a worrying speed. 

 

Then, in a second, Felix stands straight up from his chair, nearly knocking all their cups over. 

 

“Oh! Oh no, I completely forgot I have this  _ thing _ I need to do while we’re here!” he exclaims, the worst actor Changbin has ever seen. “Changbin, can you help me? It won’t take long!”

 

Changbin pushes himself to his feet, tries to muster as much enthusiasm for the scheme as he can. “Let’s go right now then! We won’t be long!”

 

He feels like he blacks out for a moment as Felix takes his hand and leads him away from the shop. The next thing Changbin knows, he’s crouching behind a potted plant one story up with Felix holding onto his arm as his eyebrows progressively make their way up into his hairline.

 

“Oh my god.” Felix cringes. 

 

Looking down, Changbin can make out Woojin attempting to make conversation as Chan seemingly tries to choke on a tapioca ball. “Okay, I don’t think I can watch this.”

 

"No, come on, this is the best part!" Felix winds his arms around Changbin's as he attempts to get up and leave.

 

In a second, Changbin is pulled back behind the plant, leaning against Felix, and before he knows it he’s settled into Felix’s warmth and is following his line of sight.

 

Surprisingly, Changbin doesn’t really mind how truly bizarre the entire situation is. Yes, he’s crouching behind a fake potted plant in a crowded mall, peeping on a conversation happening (or, well, trying to happen) a floor below, arms interlocked with a boy he had never spoken to until just a month ago, and yet he revels in it. He tilts his head until it’s almost leaning on Felix’s shoulder, listens to the attentive humming noise Felix is making, catches himself smiling when something happens and Felix makes little pleased noises in the back of his throat.

 

“You think Chan is ever going to be able to string a sentence together without smoke coming out of his ears?” Changbin asks, surprised at how soft his own voice comes out.

 

Felix chuckles and Changbin feels the vibration reverberating throughout his own body. “With any luck, maybe in ten years, before his brain leaks out of his ears.”

 

“Bold of you to assume it hasn’t already.” Changbin snickers as he watches Woojin take a sip of Chan’s tea, and Chan nearly melting through the floor

 

"Should we go back?" Felix suggests, his eyes still fixed on the situation. There's about as much motivation in his voice to do so as Changbin feels he has right now.

 

Changbin shifts to sit with his legs crossed, and he instinctively leans just a little closer, his head on Felix's shouder. If Felix notices, he doesn't say anything. 

 

"I mean, we have to eventually." He's fully aware of how unconvinced he sounds. "When they're done?"

 

Felix chuckles, low in the back of his throat. "When they're done." 

 

He's not sure how neither Chan nor Woojin get suspicious of their absence after a while. Instead, Woojin talks and Chan listens, intently, his face in his hands like he’s discovering the world for the first time. Even from a floor above, the look in his eyes is so syrupy sweet that it makes Changbin gag a little, because really, how someone can be that infatuated and still refuse to do anything about it should be an academic research case. 

 

It’s better than when Chan was nearly short-circuiting at the library table though, so Changbin lets it slide for now.

 

When Chan sucks in the last of his boba, Changbin reluctantly disentangles himself from Felix, brushing down the front of his jeans as he stands up. “Time to face the music!”

 

Neither Chan nor Woojin asks where they went for so long, and maybe it’s for the best, because Changbin knows for a fact that neither himself nor Felix have given any thought to coming up with an actual excuse. Instead, they all walk out of the mall as if a completely normal thing had just happened, but Felix still tugs at the sleeve of Changbin’s shirt when he notices Chan and Woojin’s shoulders bumping against each other.

 

Th at was no accident, Changbin thinks, and from the mischievous look Felix gives him, it seems he would agree.

 

 

___

 

Days pass and they turn into weeks, and they’re never the same.

 

Honestly, Felix feels pretty proud of how well the plan seems to be working. He almost doesn’t have to put Chan back together every time their newly formed friend group hangs out, because the older boy now seems determined to do it himself. Felix still feels a responsibility to monitor him, and it’s probably for the best, because Chan still has a tendency to shut down and worry, and because he doesn’t want Woojin to think Chan is even more of an idiot by the end of it.

 

Truthfully, he also enjoys the time with Changbin. 

 

It’s not always a cakewalk, but their personalities seem to click in a way Felix hadn’t anticipated. He chalks it up to all the time they’re spending together cooking up plans, except sometimes it’s not about that at all, and it’s something that Felix feels like he’s just on the verge of understanding.

 

What was supposed to be a lovely day at the park gets cancelled last minute when it starts pouring rain, (and Chan swiftly texts Felix that really, he can’t make it). Probably for the best, since Woojin calls Changbin just a minute later to suggest they should reschedule. 

 

Even so, for some reason, Changbin and Felix refuse to let a free afternoon go to waste. They spend that afternoon holed up in Felix’s bedroom, and Changbin borrows one of Felix’s shirts while his dries off. He’s sitting on the carpet, legs tucked underneath himself, and when Felix walks in and sees him, he feels his stomach churning in an unfamiliar, but not unpleasant way. 

 

Changbin, as it turns out, is  _ really _ good at Mario Kart. A little too good, honestly, and Felix has to distract him with a slideshow of puppy pictures on his phone to finally get the upper hand and beat him. Changbin only pretends to try to suffocate him with a pillow for a second, and it leaves Felix breathless from laughter instead, and from the way Changbin is pressed against him for a moment.

 

He tries to not make any note of it.

  
  


They have a free period on a Tuesday, and maybe it's not the best idea, but the both of them have come to accept the fact that they never have the greatest of ideas anyway.

 

That's how Felix ends up standing outside of the classroom where Chan and Woojin have their calculus class, with Changbin on his shoulders, a feeble attempt to peek through the high window between the hallway and the room. Changbin is reporting as much as he can, ducking every thirty seconds when he's nearly spotted by the teacher, and Felix tries not to think too much about how strange they must look right now to any student walking by.

 

As long as it's not a faculty member, he guesses he can live with it.

 

"So?" he grunts, balancing on the balls of his feet to support Changbin's weight.

 

"So, this is a calculus class, I'm not sure what we were expecting." Changbin sighs, and he kicks his feet a little to signal for Felix to crouch just enough to stay out of view. "Hold on, hold-"

 

Felix feels his right knee cracking just a little, not enough to worry, but he still hopes whatever Changbin has to say is worth it.

 

"Oh they're working in pairs, I think the teacher just told them to work in pairs."

 

In silence, because he's already sweating enough without using energy to talk, Felix prays for it to mean what he hopes it means.

 

Changbin is jubilating when he kicks his feet again. "Woojin asked Chan if he wanted to work together!" He runs a hand through Felix's hair quickly, a gentle celebration. "Chan looks like he's handling it about as well as he can."

 

"Progress?" Felix laughs, out of breath. 

 

Changbin motions that he'd like to come down and Felix crouches all the way to the floor. When he looks behind him, he sees Minho shaking his head and then continuing on his way.

 

"Definitely progress." Changbin helps Felix up and then they're gone before anyone else can see them.

  
  


Weirdly, Minho doesn't seem to tell anyone about what he saw. Either he figured it out, or he doesn't care enough, but Felix feels grateful that their cover hasn't been blown.

  
  


Turns out, calculus lessons are still an effective cover. They’re more regular now, not that Felix complains, because between attempts at matching their schedules to make Chan and Woojin bump into each other, and spying on them during their class workgroup at the library, Felix actually feels like he’s learning a thing or two about these damn equations. 

 

Changbin isn’t as harsh of a teacher as he’d seemed, even though there’s still a certain shade of exasperation on his face when Felix gets his formulas mixed up, but somewhere along the way he announces that this has now become a personal matter, and that Felix will pass calculus if it’s the last goddamn thing Changbin accomplishes.

 

They do make it to the park, eventually, for Hyunjin’s birthday. He organizes a picnic even though it’s not that warm yet, but thankfully the wind doesn’t blow and they’re able to enjoy it, the birthday boy beaming and running around, chasing after Seungmin and Jeongin when they team up to steal his slice of cake.

 

Felix stretches out on the grass and keeps an eye on Chan, who’s running after helium balloons with Woojin in tow, but soon his view is obscured by Changbin who comes to sit next to him, leaning back on his elbows.

 

“Hey.” Changbin nudges him with his foot. “Welcome to the circus.” 

 

His smile betrays how snarky he’s trying to sound, and it’s a beautiful sight to see him so open. It isn’t lost on Felix, how different Changbin is outside of school, how he seems to shed his carefully crafted armor when he feels comfortable. There’s so much about him that’s still a mystery, and Felix feels a growing urge to unravel it.

 

The weather freshens up quickly when it gets past five in the afternoon, and the chilly spring wind begins to rise. When he’s done running after the picnic blanket, blown away by a particularly strong gust, Hyunjin declares the celebration officially over. It’s not clear whether anyone hears him over their own laughter, but they’re happy all the same.

 

“My mom’s asking if you want to come over for dinner.” Changbin says, like it’s a regular thing.

 

Maybe they have been spending a lot of time together, more than most people would, yes. And really, Felix has already met Changbin’s mother, so what’s there to be nervous about?

 

“Sure.”

 

His own parents seem okay with it. They’ve asked about Changbin before, because of course they have, anyone would want to know about their children’s friends, especially ones that seem to have popped up out of nowhere and for no discernable reason. 

 

It’s six and getting colder when they get there, and Changbin’s parents are taking the plants inside for the night, so Felix figures it’s only natural to roll up his sleeves and help.

 

He doesn’t anticipate how heavy the pot he chooses is, and he almost falls backwards, tumbling like a spinning top at the end of its run. How he doesn’t actually end up on his ass is a mixture of a miracle and Changbin catching him, but it’s all Felix hears about for the half hour before dinner.

 

Felix’s parents call right as he’s helping clear out the table, announcing they’re coming to pick him up in a hour’s time or so and thanking the Seos for their hospitality. That kind of freedom on a school night is rare, so Felix enjoys it to the fullest, follows Changbin to his room in hopes of getting his Rainbow Road revenge.

 

Instead, Changbin flops down on his bed and stretches, a yawn echoing through the room. “Thank you.”

 

It’s unexpected and Felix reacts as such, jumping a little from where he’s sitting on Changbin’s desk chair.

 

“What for?” 

 

Changbin smiles to himself as he sits up on his bed, stretching his arms one after the other in front of himself. “This whole… Mission Impossible thing.” 

 

“Nothing’s impossible!” Felix points a finger at Changbin like a reminder, because he did manage to convince him to pursue this plan after all, and Changbin laughs.

 

“Sure. Yeah, well, impossible or not, it’s still.. It’s the most fun I’ve had in a while.” He sounds like he’s been holding this in, so Felix lets him talk. “And thank you for not… letting me scare you off.”

 

Thinking back to his first interaction with Changbin, Felix is still surprised his flight instinct didn’t kick in. He tilts his head and shrugs a little, like he’s trying to pretend he was never scared of Changbin to begin with, but he knows Changbin isn’t buying any of it.

 

“Thank you for making the effort to get to know me.”

 

It’s such a simple thing and yet the way Changbin’s voice breaks and he looks up to the ceiling makes Felix want to reach out and hug him, and so he does. No sooner does he move from the chair to Changbin’s bed that he’s got an arm around Changbin’s shoulders and he’s pulling the other boy in, ruffling his hair as he goes.

 

“You’ll die for this.” Changbin giggles. “But not right now, this is nice.” 

 

“I’m not sure how anyone would be scared of you, right now.” Felix pushes his luck as much as he can.

 

Changbin shoves him aside and scrunches up his face, pulling at the collar of his shirt. “I guess I just need people to take me seriously.”

 

“Why would anyone not-”

 

“I’m trans, Felix.” Changbin says it, outright. He takes a deep breath right after like he’s trying not to regret it.

 

Felix knows, right in that moment, that it’s up to him to make sure Changbin doesn’t regret it.

 

“Oh,” is all he manages. 

 

“If we’re going to be friends, you might as well know.” Changbin leans against the wall, and he nods slightly, like he’s cheering himself on. “I know it’s maybe not the way to go about all this, but people can be so  _ fucking _ dismissive when you don’t fit their standards.”

 

That’s something Felix knows he can agree on, even if he can’t understand exactly what Changbin is going through.

 

“You’re never enough, never the way they think you should be, never up to what they want.” There’s bitterness in Changbin’s voice, but somewhere in between there’s strength too, an armor that he’s built up. “For now, just to get through high school… I’m okay with having to be tough. Better than letting them get to me.”

 

Felix swallows hard. 

 

“Hey, you don’t have to say anything.” Changbin pokes Felix’s shoulder. “Just thought you should know. It can come up sometimes, when you’re close to me.”

 

“Thank you for telling me.” Felix is pretty sure that’s all he can say, right now.

 

Changbin frowns. “You’re okay with it, right?”

 

“I mean, I’m not sure it’s my place to say if it’s okay or not.” Felix laughs, more from nerves than anything else. “But yeah, of course. You’re still Changbin to me.”

 

“And you’d better recognize,” Changbin says, hopping off the bed to turn on the TV and his console. “When I kick your ass at Mario Kart,  _ again _ .”

 

So, everything’s fine. Nothing will change, because nothing has to. Still, there’s a warm feeling that settles in Felix’s chest, knowing that Changbin trusts him enough to open up like this. He used to think it wouldn’t be that easy, that Changbin was exactly as his reputation advertised him, but evidently, sometimes it’s better to make an opinion for yourself.

 

Felix takes a breath, and he almost misses catching the controller Changbin throws at him. “I’m going to get you one day.” He makes a face and Changbin laughs as the game’s music fills the room.

 

He doesn’t. Felix goes 1-6 that night, only because Changbin got distracted by his mother calling him, and he sees Changbin sticking his tongue out at him from the bedroom window when he gets into his parents’ car.

 

___   
  


The day of the neighborhood fair comes before either of them realize. While walking there, texting Changbin about their meeting spot and where to leave Chan and Woojin alone to let the magic happen, Felix feels a pinch in his heart thinking they're almost at the finish line.

 

The date was perfect. On a weekend, with no tests in sight, it was the only logical place where things could end up. They’d given themselves enough time to think about it and Felix had brought the hammer down on the decision when Chan had coyly asked, one day at lunch, if he’d heard anything about Woojin attending. 

 

(“You’re sure they’re not going to get distracted?” Changbin had asked, breezing through a solo race on Mario Kart after Felix had given up for the afternoon.

 

“Chan? Looking at or caring about anything that isn’t Woojin?” 

 

Felix was pretty sure being put in that setting would only exacerbate Chan’s desperate need to prove himself again. If he was honest with himself, that’s also why he’d encouraged everyone to come to the fair.

 

Changbin had laughed then, thrown his hands up in the air as he crossed the finish line. “Touché.”)

 

When he gets there, Changbin is already sitting on the curb, hugging his knees. He returns Felix's wave with a smile, and then jabs his thumb towards where Chan is hunched over the commands of a claw machine someone has pulled out from the arcade out on the street. A few steps away, Woojin is looking at him with a half-amused, half-concerned look on his face, while Seungmin and Jeongin look like they're taking bets on Chan's success.

 

Or, as it were, failure, because he nearly punches the machine when the claw comes up empty, before seemingly remembering Woojin is next to him, and then he diligently inserts another coin in the machine.

 

"I see everything's going about as well as it could." Felix laughs, holding a hand out to Changbin to pull him up. "Did I miss anything?"

 

Changbin stretches his arms over his head. "Well, Chan's been trying at the machine since he got here, so not really." As if on cue, Chan makes a weird grunt-yell noise and then tries again. "Pretty good that he took the initiative though, right?"

 

It's certainly not something Felix would have ever thought possible just weeks ago. It's been almost two months and yet everything seems to have changed so fast. His reflection is quickly interrupted though, because Chan lets out a positively terrifying scream of triumph as he brandishes a stuffed teddy bear, and his face turns bright red when he all but shoves it in Woojin's hands.

 

"Yeah, I think that's our cue." Changbin snorts, and he loops his arm with Felix's to lead the two of them away from the scene. 

 

It's an attempt to not appear too conspicuous - though honestly, Felix isn't sure how their cover hasn't blown before - and he knows it’s only practical, but Felix still smoothes his other hand over his stomach to try and quiet down the strange churning in his gut.

  
  


___

  
  


They're sitting just a few feet away, a little removed from the street, making sure that Chan or Woojin can't see how obviously they're ogling the situation. 

 

Woojin has the teddy bear tucked away under his arm, making conversation, and Chan is actually replying back. Changbin can't make out what they're saying but he can see that Chan is stringing words together into sentences and he's doing it all without his head looking like it's about to rocket off of his shoulders. In some strange, not unpleasant way, Changbin sort of feels proud of him.

 

“Yes…” Felix says under his breath. “I’m so proud.”

 

His hand is over his heart as he watches Chan take Woojin’s hand and not combust on impact. Changbin sits back on the ground, legs crossed, feels the satisfaction of a job well done washing over him. When he looks over at Felix he sees that glimmer in his eyes gain, and his heart pumps just a little faster on sight. 

 

Felix sits with him, hand brushing against Changbin’s when he situates himself. “Changbin… Thank you. Really.”

 

“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I should be thanking you instead.” Changbin swallows his pride. “For getting me out of my own head.”

 

As Felix smiles at him, Changbin wonders if he knows the effect he has on people.

“Felix I-”

 

But Felix jumps to his feet, hands clasped over his mouth. Probably something Chan and Woojin did. Changbin thinks it was probably foolish of him to think anything else could truly get Felix’s attention.

 

Felix turns to him, hands cupping his own face. “Woojin just kissed Chan on the cheek.” He’s positively jubilating and Changbin just sighs and puts on a smile as he pushes himself up.

 

“Amazing.” He brushes down the front of his jeans and even though it’s not that cold, pulls his jacket tight around himself. “I should go now, then. We’ve done all we needed to, the rest is up to them.”

 

He doesn’t intend to sound as harsh as he does, but Felix’s expression drops all the same.

 

“You don’t want to enjoy the fair? I mean, we’re here after all!” 

 

_ So you can just follow Chan and Woojin around and not pay any attention to what’s actually happening here? _ Changbin wants to yell at him, even though he knows it isn’t fair, that he can’t expect Felix to read his mind and his feelings. So instead he forces himself to grin and bear it, says, “Mom’s expecting me at the shop.” And then he turns on his heel. 

 

“Hey, come on, don’t-”

 

He doesn’t mean to, really, or maybe his subconscious does, but Changbin feels pressure rising in his head, an uncomfortable wave of heat creeping up the back of his neck. “Don’t  _ what _ ? It’s over and done, right? No reason for me to stay.”

 

Felix looks at him, wild eyed and confused. Of course he is, why would he ever connect the dots when his mind is preoccupied by something else entirely? Changbin wants to hit himself for ever thinking anything could come of this.

 

“I don’t get it, aren’t you happy?” Felix asks, innocent. 

 

He’ll probably never get it. Changbin runs a hand through his hair, forcefully, almost pulls some of it out. There’s no use stretching this situation out more than needed, when it’ll never lead anywhere.

 

"God, I can't believe I was going to tell you-" Changbin stops himself. No use, after all. He takes a breath, hands on his hips. "See you at school, Felix.”

 

____

  
  


“Where’s Changbin?” Jisung asks from his seat in Minho’s lap, a piece of cotton candy stuck to his cheek.

 

Felix gulps. “Went home, said his mom needed him.” Changbin’s tone is still stuck in Felix’s ears. “He seemed so upset, though?”

 

At that, Jisung pouts in a show of sympathy before wolfing down on the rest of his sweets. 

 

“I don’t understand,” Felix mumbles, almost only to himself. “I mean, he seemed happy when we were checking on Chan and Woojin but then… I don’t know.”

 

“Felix, full offense, you’re an actual idiot.” Minho jabs a finger directly into Felix’s shoulder. “You’ve been so weirdly invested in Chan and Woojin’s business that you completely forgot your own, huh?”

 

He did what, now? Felix can’t remember getting involved in any kind of business that isn’t other people’s, and it’s only when he realizes how wrong that sounds that something dawns on him.

 

“Oh.” 

 

Minho drags a hand down his face. “Yeah. Oh, indeed.”

 

Maybe that would explain the butterflies.

 

___

  
  


Felix drags himself through the school corridors for the next week, his backpack heavy with unsaid things. 

 

Even though everyone seems happy with the development, their friend groups merging even further, Felix feels his throat tighten as he sits on the other side from where Changbin is, tries not to look, or to talk, or to walk away again.

 

He still goes to Woojin's birthday party, where Chan cries giving a toast, his hand shaking around his glass of sparkling apple juice. He still sits, on the opposite end of the booth, and tries his best to celebrate as Seungmin and Jeongin try to get him in the mood, even as Changbin is right there, but he's not looking back at Felix.

 

It's worse than Felix could have imagined, being so close and feeling so far away. 

 

On the eighth day, Hyunjin and Minho corner him in the gym locker room. These two becoming friends was probably the worst development that could have occured, in Felix’s opinion at least.

 

"Cut the crap, Lee." Hyunjin crosses his arms over his chest. Last name basis, huh.

 

Minho mirrors him, defiant. "You got yourself into this. It's all you. And now you're trying to walk away?" 

 

"I'm trying not to." Felix's throat feels dry. "But it's clear he doesn't want me close to him."

 

Being around Changbin is the only thing Felix wants, and it's the one thing that, for Changbin's sake at least, he can't get. 

 

"For someone who'd dunk on Chan for being a bumbling idiot, you're really not such a smartass yourself." Minho sighs, exasperated as he always seems to be in these situations. "Again. Have you tried the age old trick of talking it out?"

 

It's all Felix has been able to think about. What he'd say to Changbin, if he could, if he was given just a minute to apologize, to make everything right again. But he's not proud enough to think that Changbin would ever give him the time of day.

 

Hyujin squeezes Felix's shoulder then, a reassuring smile drawn up on his lips. "I'm going to tell you a secret," he says, his shoulders lifting as he breathes in and out. "But you can't tell Changbin that I told you, or he's going to feed me to the carnivorous plant that I  _ know _ he keeps in his bedroom closet. Can't fool me."

 

Honestly, he might be right. There's still so much that Felix feels he doesn't know about Changbin. 

 

"I know he has a reputation as this tough, scary guy - not of his own doing, really, but to be honest he does his best to keep it up." Hyunjin looks like he wants to laugh because he knows how much of it is an act. "But really, that's what other people think. He just goes along with it because it's easier than to let people get close to him."

 

That’s one of the things Felix had learned, hanging around with Changbin so much. He’d seen how Changbin smiles at nothing, how he’s so diligent in everything he does, how he curls up on himself when he’s about to fall asleep, little things etched in Felix’s mind that make his heart grow fonder. He knows that Changbin carries so much more in his heart than he lets on, that he’s a prism with so much light filtering through. But Felix realizes he only got what he was willing, what he was trying to see, not the full story, and the fault is on him for not paying more attention.

 

“It’s hard to gain his trust, but you did. I’m not exactly sure how.” At that, Hyunjin smiles to himself like he can’t quite believe any of the things that have happened recently. “Yeah, he’s hurt. And yeah, he’s mad at you. I’m not going to sugarcoat it. But his feelings for you, they’re just as real.”

 

Felix wants to cry. He feels the familiar pricking sensation behind his eyes, bites down on his tongue to try and stop it. “I don’t deserve them though, do I.”

 

I don’t deserve him, Felix thinks. If I did, I wouldn’t have been such an oblivious moron.

 

“That’s not up to us, man.” Minho steps in. “It’s about whether or not you’re going to do what it takes to deserve them.” 

 

“Trust me.” Hyunjin playfully punches Felix’s shoulder. “He’ll hear you out. He just needed time, and it seems like you did too.”

 

Maybe he’s right.

 

At least Felix desperately hopes he is.

  
  


___

  
  


Felix feels the pavement beneath his feet as he stands across the street from the shop, and it's almost burning through the soles of his shoes.

 

He can see Changbin inside, his apron on, greeting customers, handling the flowers with care. There's a delicate grace to his every movement that Felix thinks he's noticed before, but it's only now that he's taking note of it.

 

Stupid boy. Even if he manages to blurt out his apology, and all the other things he wants to say, there might be now way he'll ever deserve Changbin after all. He should just turn away right now. 

 

He doesn't. 

 

Somehow, his legs don't falter, and when the pedestrian light turns green, Felix takes a breath and he walks over to the shop. It's only a few steps, just enough to clear his head.

 

Changbin doesn't see him through the window, and maybe he's trying his luck, but Felix takes the opportunity to just look at him. He's ringing up a customer, gently placing a bright orange and white bouquet in their hands, but it's his smile that seems to kickstart Felix's heart. Without a second thought, he pushes the door open, hears the ringing of the bell, and he knows he won't be able to hide for a second more.

 

"Hello, welcome to Se-" Changbin starts, and then he sees Felix. "It's you."

 

Felix shoves his hands deep in his pockets. "Hey." 

 

Like an angel of providence, Changbin's mother walks in from the storage room, holding a stack of pots on her arms. She smiles warmly at Felix, a stark contrast to how her son seems to want to turn him into confetti. 

 

"Oh, Felix!" she doesnt seem to reaize that she's way too chipper for the situation, bless her heart. "I hope you're doing well, I was thinking I hadn't seen you around in a while. Binnie, why don't you take a break?"

 

Changbin exhales, audibly, but he still acquiesces.

 

A minute later, the both of them are out in the shop's outer area, surrounded by the smell of fresh dirt somehow overpowering that of gasoline from passing cars. Changbin leans back against the wall, arms crossed, lips shut tight, and Felix knows it's up to him to take the first step.

 

"I'm..." It's not that it's hard to say the word, but the idea that Changbin might reject them is so terrifying that Felix has to swallow hard and try again. "I'm sorry."

 

He picks at the skin of his fingers, tries to give himself something else to focus on than the way Changbin is looking right through him.

 

"I'm sorry I was such a dumbass, and I didn't realize, or I realized too late, I'm not sure, but- I guess, I was just too caught up in someone else's feelings to... to think about my own." His voice is even hoarser than usual, unsurprisingly, because even his tongue feels dry at this point. “I didn’t think…”

 

“That’s the problem, Felix!” Changbin raises his voice but he doesn’t move, and somehow that’s even more terrifying. “You didn’t think, sometimes it’s like you never do.”

 

Oh now he’s really blown it. Felix shakes his head, hopes that the hair falling in front of his eyes can somewhat hide his shame. “I’m just sorry that I made you sad, I never wanted to-”

 

"I don't need you to pity me, Felix," Changbin spits out. "I don't need that from anyone and  _ especially _ not from you."

 

“I’m not- that’s not what I’m saying.” Felix feels like he’s confusing himself with the weight of everything in his chest. “I would never pity you, hell, I think you’re the coolest fucking person I know. I think you’re so amazing, and brave, and smart, and I just wish I could be half the person you are because then we probably wouldn’t have to do this right now.”

 

Changbin pushes himself away from the wall then, his brow furrowed. “You really don’t get it,” he pinches the bridge of his nose. “You don’t need to be like that, or anyone else. Yes, you’re an idiot, but at least you’ve got guts, and you go for what you want, I mean, you… that entire crazy plan, that was you. I was just happy to be along for the ride.”

 

“It never would have worked if you hadn’t agreed to the tutoring,” Felix chimes in, but Changbin cuts him off.

 

“Never mind that. You would have gotten someone else, Hyunjin or Seungmin - heaven knows they would have been on board from the start. But it was me, and goddamnit, I was so happy, and I thought maybe then you’ll go for me, because I wanted to be what you want, and-”

 

“You are.” Felix says it with the utmost certitude. There’s no other thing in the world that rings as true as this. “I just needed you to tell me, and I know that’s not how you wanted things to be, but yeah, I’m an idiot, alright,” he concedes, because it’s true. Only an idiot would fail to hear the beating of his own heart. Only an idiot would be so engrossed in someone else’s love story that he’d totally miss that his own was unfurling right in front of his eyes. “But I’m an idiot who loves you. And hopefully, that counts for something.”

 

For the first time in a long time, Felix feels like his mind is completely empty. He feels lightheaded almost, like this took everything out of him, but he keeps himself tethered to the earth because he knows what matters is what Changbin has to say.

 

He doesn’t say anything. Instead, Changbin lets the silence linger, like he’s taking in every word Felix has said and deciding what to do with them.

 

“You really are… an idiot.” When he finally speaks, Changbin keeps his head down, and his voice sounds like his throat is tight. Felix can barely stand it, but he stays where he is. “But I can work with it.”

 

Relief washes over Felix like the sun over the city. 

 

“If you really do love me,” Changbin says, small and rough.

 

Felix takes a step, just to get a little bit closer, so he knows Changbin will hear him.  “I do. I love how you see right through my nonsense, I love the way you put your hand over your heart when you laugh, I love how you handle flowers like they’re the most fragile, important things in the world, and how you taught me that they are.” Felix feels everything spilling out of him, and he feels a hand slipping in his. “I love it when you wear your cap so low that I can’t see your eyes, even though I also love your eyes. I love how happy you are when you beat me at Mario Kart, and how you pout when you don’t. I love that you don’t let anyone dictate who you should be, and that you’re willing to embrace people, even if- even if they don’t always return the favor.”

 

He probably should stop talking. He can’t.

 

“I love that you went along with my weird idea, that you let yourself get caught up in it, I love that you don’t take life so seriously after all, I love…” Oh, to hell with it. “Changbin, I love you.”

 

Felix’s heart is running a mile a minute, from how out of breath he is, and how dizzy the tirade has left him. He’s still holding Changbin’s hand.

 

When Changbin finally lifts his head, there’s a rosy dust coloring his cheeks, and a smile tugging at his lips.

 

He shakes his head and his hair is swept out of his eyes for once, the way they shine leaving Felix breathless. Really, he isn’t sure how he could have so completely missed the mark from the start, how it took him so long to realize what the story was really about.

 

Changbin clears his throat. “You’re still going to need those calculus lessons, huh?” 

 

“Maybe calculus will be our always.” Felix smiles.

 

Changbin covers his face with his hands, huffs between his fingers. “Why do you have to say things?” 

 

They both burst out into a fit of giggles, and Changbin interlocks their fingers again, both hands this time. He smiles, and the whole world smells like flowers in full bloom.

 

“Maybe you’re my idiot. Like how Chan is Woojin’s.” 

 

Felix groans. “This isn’t about them.”

 

“Finally!” Changbin exclaims, his shoulders jerking like he wants to throw his hands up in the air. Still, he holds on to Felix’s hands. “I love you, too.”

 

In hindsight, Felix knows they both heard the door open, and that they both willfully chose to ignore it. Still, it doesn’t calm down the hotness in his cheeks.

 

“Binnie! I’m going to need some help again, sorry!” Changbin’s mother’s voice echoes in the street. 

 

Changbin lets his head fall against Felix’s shoulder. “It’s okay, mom. Give me a second.”

 

She seems to agree because the door closes back up, and Changbin reluctantly disentangles his hands from Felix’s. 

 

“It’s okay, go,” Felix says, not without feeling a pinch in his heart. “I’ll see you at school?”

 

Changbin nods vigorously, his lips curling into a grin. He’s beautiful, truly, and Felix is already grateful for all the ways and all the moments he’ll get to see exactly how much. When Changbin bids him goodbye, it’s with a kiss on the cheek, too close to the corner of his mouth for it to be accidental, but Felix gives him the courtesy of not pointing it out, not for now.

 

He still punches the air with all his might as he saunters down the street, though.

  
  


___

  
  
  


Seo Changbin is in love.

 

That’s as true as the sky is blue, on most days, except Changbin would definitely attempt to fistfight any clouds that got in his way no matter how many times he’s been told that it’s physically impossible. 

 

You know the story, by now. Changbin doesn’t, not yet. What he knows, a fact he holds dear to his heart, is the way Felix’s hand feels in his, the sound of Felix’s laugh when it echoes through the school hallways, the look Felix gives him, across the room, when he finally passes his calculus class.

 

It’s in all the little things they almost missed, almost let slip out of their grasp. Now they hold them tight, and they hold each other too. There’s a story waiting to be told, and this time it’s theirs.

 

So, it’s true.

 

Seo Changbin is in love.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> thank you cody for being the best beta ever, yet again.
> 
> see ya later !


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